Honest Life

Seems like everywhere I go, everything I have been reading lately, or the things I see on the news have to deal with death. It is kind of ironic for me. This past week my mind has been bogged down with questions from the past. Questions I am never going to know the answers to. I find myself thinking back to almost exactly three years ago. Laying on my floor wishing my own life would end. I watched as my blood pooled on my bedroom floor. I had thought about it many times but had never actually gone through with it until that night. I had had enough of everything; enough pain from my past, enough of being bullied, enough of not feeling wanted.

As I got dizzy, I began to realize what exactly I had done. Pulling myself up, I stumbled to the kitchen then to the bathroom. I remember spilling cornstarch across my wrist to stop the bleeding, I was to the point of freaking out. For once in my life I was truly afraid. Pressing the rag down, I did the best I could to clean up my mess while stopping the bleeding. Everything after that just kind of blurred together. I threw the rags in a plastic bag and then in my closet. I managed to stop the bleeding and just wrapped a bandanna around my wrist and went to bed. I was a really smart kid...I should have gone to the hospital...ultimately...I should have died. It was during this time, the time fear struck and quit that I realized just how fragile life truly was. I realized that in any moment my life could end and I was not as ready to die as I thought I was.

Here I am three years later, I look at my arms and my shoulders lined with scars. Some are newer than others. I look at them and think that each one of these has a story. A few nights ago I was hanging out with one of my friends that I have made this semester. He was the second person I had told about my suicide attempt and soon found out that I was not the only one who had failed. The more we talked, the more I began to realize that he was someone who understood the pain I was feeling. When he dropped me back off at campus, I began to reflect over everything we had talked about. I found someone who truly knew how I felt.

I ended up chilling with him again a couple of nights ago. It was fun, if I could compare it to anything it would be how I would see spending time with an awesome older brother. We talked, rough housed, and over all enjoyed each other's company. I had that sense of feeling wanted, the feeling of having a true friend that knew my struggles and my darkest secret and did not change his view on me or judge me. He simply held me and told me not to feel ashamed about any of it.

If there is one thing that has been positive about me attending this college it is that God has placed some incredible people in my life. My friend I have talked about in this blog, my roommate, the lasses on my floor, and even some other lad friends that I chill with. He has given me incredible relationships with these people, and most of all, a second chance. I should not have lived that night, I did not want to live that night. There have been times where I have asked myself if I ever regretted saving myself, my answer...yes more than I would care to admit. Right now, I am glad that I did not, I am glad I am here and I am glad that I get to share this with whoever reads it. If there is one thing I would like for someone to get from this is this...do not give up, life is way to short to end it yourself.

As one of my favorite bands say in one of their songs "you can make it to the sunrise."
   "Sunrise" by Our Last Night. Truly is an amazing song. x

First Blog

Alright...I made a blog. I have always talked about doing this but have never gotten around to actually doing this. I am sort of pumped to be doing this yet really tired at the same time. I have just finished two papers for school and am now doing this...not a good idea, I have no idea what to really focus on at the moment. Anyway...welcome to my blog, I am a college student and I am going to use this as just a place where I can talk about some of the things that I see in and witness in school and just be blunt honest about it.

Not only am I going to be blunt honest about some of the things I witness in school, I am also going to write about my life. My stuggles, how I have over come them, and over all just what God has done and will continue to do in my life. A little bit about me, I like to debate creation/evolution and talk about science. I am currently a studying to be a youth minister. My hobbies include running and writing/ making music. x