Just a Spark

Imagine that your mind got stuck, stuck on a certain thought or image. Take that thought and image and replay it in your mind

over

and over

and over

no matter what you did, you don't want these thoughts

eventually, it feels like an avalanche...

to make things worse, add intense feelings of anxiety...

This is OCD. This is what I feel every day.

Background:

OCD is an anxiety disorder. It involves performing certain routines or habits repetitively. For many people it can be checking things or having certain thoughts. If these routines or habits are not done, it could cause a lot of distress and totally shatter ones daily life. The habits are called obsession. Trying to control these can become overwhelming and ultimately may end up controlling the person instead.

Background on my OCD:

The first time I remember showing signs of OCD was in fourth grade. I was in the art room sitting with a couple of classmates at the table. I remember looking at the box of coloured pencils in front of me and saying...."That doesn't look right...this bothers me." I remember pushing the thoughts back until I had a tear rolling down my face. I started to "fix" them, to put them in a way that made them "feel right." After that, everything else was pointed out to me. I would get made fun of for counting my steps while walking down the hallway making sure to end on a safe number, or counting while washing my hands. This continued all the way up until I reached high school. 

I was diagnosed with a severe case Obsessive Compulsive Disorder my freshman year in school, not only that but I also had social anxiety. At first I did not believe what they, I could quit counting steps, I could quit fixing things, I didn't need things to be a certain way in order for me to carry on with my daily life. I sat in a room with a Doctor who made me do a bunch of tests. I was told to wash my hands once and sit down. Walking over to the sink I was like...."alright...I've got this...once...one." After I did that, I took my seat. We sat there in silence for a bit. It took about five seconds for my mind to start racing through all of these thoughts. "I didn't do it four times...four is my number...one is not a good number....something is going to happen because I didn't do this the correct number of times." I became squirmy and restless, the anxiety kicked in when I go up to finish my thing, I was told to sit down, to push through, to fight myself, this wasn't something that was needed to be done.

I didn't go back after that. I told my parents I was fine. I did my best to avoid triggers for my compulsions. It didn't work. I just told myself that over time it would fade, it would go away, I didn't need help. That is the biggest lie I have ever told myself. I takes a strong person to do that. There times where I do really good, but it only takes once trigger to send me back. If you are one of those strong people that have done this on your own......I'm proud of you, I commend you, you are awesome!!! I look up to you. x