Winds of Change

Each time I write a post something big seems to happen in my life. It may be something good, it may be something bad. Lately I have found myself thinking about my time spent here in college. I have made the decision to stop with an Associates degree and pursue so.ethi g different perferably working with at risk youth. The thought of graduating from college in about a month has me feeling all kinds of weird things. This has also allowed me to reflect on my time spent here.

For this program, I had to fill out an experience form that tells what I have done/ taken part in while attending school here. As I began ti fill this out I found myself a little disappointed. I had noticed a pattern that I seem have never been able to out run. Due to being a very quiet person and not the most assertive I find myself often overlooked by others and even forgotten. This happens a lot.

During my time of attending school here I have been in three different friend groups with about six people excluding me. People come, stay for a semester, and leave. The turn-over is awful here. Off all these people from these different groups, I still keep in contact with two maybe three. I find it a little discouraging to be honest. Tiz another pattern that seems to form in my life that continues to feed my longing for consistency.

Apologies for the somewhat rant or half post, toz all I can think of at the moment. Good night lads/lasses. X

Misunderstood

I wish I could make people understand. Understand what it is like to be me. To think what I think, to feel what I feel, to have them truly see and think of a day to day basis how I do. To have them endure the same anxieties that I do on the same level.


Maybe, just maybe people would understand it. People would understand me. If people understood me, they would know that I am a human being, I have feelings. On the outside, I may not be that kid that expresses what I feel, I may not wear my emotions on my sleeve like everyone else but they do exist. I get upset words still do damage. The way people treat me causes damage. From my previous blogs you have gathered that I still struggle with cutting. This semester has been really hard on me. I have had nights where I just need an escape, a quick fix, a way to let everything out. I was doing good until tonight. I fucked up.


If people understood me, they might choose to acknowledge that I exist. I have gone to school here for two years now and I still live in the shadows of everyone's life. I am an after thought, a convenience. I am here to fix your IT problems, or to bring you food, to clean up your mess, and be expected to keep tabs on my roommate. Honestly, nobody has ever come to the room looking for me.
If people understood me, the would learn that my silence is good. I do not sit in silence because I hate people, but because I want to listen. They would know that I do not seek social confrontation because I have been shot down by people over and over again. I isolate myself because that is all I have known.
All of this is just a wish. I wish someone would take the time to get to know me. I want to be understood, I want people to accept me for who I am. I do not want to be changed, I want to be loved. I want to be invested in, to be seen as more than just a warm body that people can take advantage of when needed. X

Change

In my short life of 19 years, I have come to realize that change is an ever going and ever present thing. We have all head the phrase, "Things change over time" or the famous, "Times have changed." Why? Why does this happen? Why are we as humans so caught up in change? What is wrong with consistency?

I look at the small number of people I used to associate myself with in high school, we are all so different now. Most of them left while I was in middle school. The ones who did not stay, found different people to hangout with or completely changed their lifestyle.

Over the past semester, I have discovered that I long for consistency. Consistency in my friendships, in my household, in my grades, in my relationships with others. I am sick and tired of change. Change makes me anxious, it makes me uneasy, and it leaves me feeling over all hopeless. I say this because there is nothing to do about fixing it. I cannot fix it. People change, everyone has a different influence or person they idolize or look up to. They try their best to be that person. It is like nobody today wants to be an original, they want to be someone else, someone they are not.

Why is this? Have we as Americans become so wrapped up in things that we loath who we are? We were made to be ourselves, not to wear the masks of someone we are not. You are a unique individual. Do not let Hollywood, a stupid imagine, or a tabloid tell you how you should look or act. Be yourself, be an original, be someone who makes nobody feel like a somebody. x

Temporary

It seems like everything that goes on today is temporary. Jobs are temporary, friendships are temporary, even relationships are temporary. It makes me sick. Sometimes we cannot help it; people move, relationships change, decisions get made, you get let go at your job, or you simply find a better one. We as people probably have a valid excuse for why we make things so temporary. One thing that I have noticed while attending Bible College is that relationships with friends can be hard. People come and people go. Some graduate, others have theology shifts, and some just never come back.

There are some factors that play into this. Money can play a huge roll in ones ability to come back. Health plays a role in the ability to stay. Myself personally, I have not been as out and open. I have gone back to shutting people out, avoiding people, I have resorted to hiding myself under piles and piles of homework to leave no time for people. On top of that I am starting to get in the swing of things in the IT department, that takes up more time as well.

As I look at the things I have done I start to realize just how stupid I am! These things are only temporary because I allow them to be. I spend to much time being afraid or afraid of getting hurt that I just issolate myself. What other possible reason can I have beside this? As Christians we are called to have fellowship with one another. If I sit and isolate myself, how can I possibly fellowship with my fellow Christians? x

Just a Spark

Imagine that your mind got stuck, stuck on a certain thought or image. Take that thought and image and replay it in your mind

over

and over

and over

no matter what you did, you don't want these thoughts

eventually, it feels like an avalanche...

to make things worse, add intense feelings of anxiety...

This is OCD. This is what I feel every day.

Background:

OCD is an anxiety disorder. It involves performing certain routines or habits repetitively. For many people it can be checking things or having certain thoughts. If these routines or habits are not done, it could cause a lot of distress and totally shatter ones daily life. The habits are called obsession. Trying to control these can become overwhelming and ultimately may end up controlling the person instead.

Background on my OCD:

The first time I remember showing signs of OCD was in fourth grade. I was in the art room sitting with a couple of classmates at the table. I remember looking at the box of coloured pencils in front of me and saying...."That doesn't look right...this bothers me." I remember pushing the thoughts back until I had a tear rolling down my face. I started to "fix" them, to put them in a way that made them "feel right." After that, everything else was pointed out to me. I would get made fun of for counting my steps while walking down the hallway making sure to end on a safe number, or counting while washing my hands. This continued all the way up until I reached high school. 

I was diagnosed with a severe case Obsessive Compulsive Disorder my freshman year in school, not only that but I also had social anxiety. At first I did not believe what they, I could quit counting steps, I could quit fixing things, I didn't need things to be a certain way in order for me to carry on with my daily life. I sat in a room with a Doctor who made me do a bunch of tests. I was told to wash my hands once and sit down. Walking over to the sink I was like...."alright...I've got this...once...one." After I did that, I took my seat. We sat there in silence for a bit. It took about five seconds for my mind to start racing through all of these thoughts. "I didn't do it four times...four is my number...one is not a good number....something is going to happen because I didn't do this the correct number of times." I became squirmy and restless, the anxiety kicked in when I go up to finish my thing, I was told to sit down, to push through, to fight myself, this wasn't something that was needed to be done.

I didn't go back after that. I told my parents I was fine. I did my best to avoid triggers for my compulsions. It didn't work. I just told myself that over time it would fade, it would go away, I didn't need help. That is the biggest lie I have ever told myself. I takes a strong person to do that. There times where I do really good, but it only takes once trigger to send me back. If you are one of those strong people that have done this on your own......I'm proud of you, I commend you, you are awesome!!! I look up to you. x

Leader by Day, DJ by Night

 Hey lads/lasses, sorry it has been a while since I have posted a blog. I have been supper busy with everything that has been going on. Brief description of things these past few months. I have fourteen days before I go back to school, pretty excited. July...not entirely sure what went on in July. I pulled a quad running pretty bad so I cannot run for a few weeks on top of the pull calf muscle. So I'm out for the X-Country season before it even gets started. OOOOOHHH I had a chance to attend CIY with my youth group as a leader...we did some pretty cool things.

We got kicked out of walmart, my friend ate worms, I put on thirty-two t-shirts, did the chicken dance outside of a van. All the fun things. Not only did I do these things, but I also go to see how much these kids had grown in the time that I had left for school and it was heartwarming and an overall happy feeling. Some of these kids were a real pain and then to see them now it's like...dude...that's sweet. CIY in general was just really awesome, we talked about the story of Daniel, the first six chapters and one thing I had never taken into account the was the time.

Taking Daniel's age when they were taken captive...he was a teen. Then you have all the stuff that happens. Finally you get to the story everyone knows, Daniel and the lions den. Every lesson I have taught to the younger kids, every lesson I remember growing up, and even in illustrations I see, people picture Daniel as this guy in like his late twenties, early thirties. When you look at the time line of the kings and the events going on, Daniel is around the age of eighty when he gets thrown in the lion's den. EIGHTY! Take a moment and let that sink in. Yea. I also took away some valuable key points that I would like to share.

1. Your here is always God's there

2. Faithfulness is doing the little “usual” things in life

3. Christ may not always save you from the fiery furnace, but he will join you.

4. Humble yourself before God humbles you.

5. Allow yourself to be ruined by Christ in a beautiful way.

In other news....I ordered a new laptop top so I should be able to start setting up vlogs...maybe...depends. If I do them...let me be serious for a bit...it would be a bunch of nonsense....but yea.

So the other half of my title...DJ by night....tiz an interesting thing to say is it not? Makes is sound like I live a double life. Mysterious...or I just sound like a dork that thought that might be a cool title. We shall go with option two.

On Monday, I was asked to DJ a wedding for a person I had gone to school with. I was like “dude...yes! then as I hang up I get, “oh yeah...the wedding is Saturday.” Pressure is on now...I was not given a list, I had no idea what songs they were dancing to, or what they even wanted. Everything had to be done and finalized by seven on Friday. Tuesday and Wednesday I spent all night forming a list rearranging, planning orders, and searching through my library of music for wedding songs. I can tell you there was much coffee drinking and word scribbling. As much as I love this...last minute wedding things are not my cup of tea. This was the first time I had ever had the entire music for the wedding dumped on me, it was a little nerve racking.

In the end, everything turned out pretty fantastic! My late night stressing and coffee was totally worth it. I got to see two people join together as one with God and have a dance party afterward. I am so thankful for the opportunity to do that. Now I pretty much just sit and wait until I can go back to school. There are quite a few things I am looking forward to. Busy work, growing in knowledge, friends, positive community, and even maybe a special someone someday. That is all for now, stay excellent and enjoy what is left of summer!!!!! X

Archer

 I pulled out my bow today. I came home early from work because it was originally my day off. After doing my usual things of laundry and dishes I decided to do something. What that something was I did not know. Eventually, I decided that I was going to clean the laundry room and sweep the floors so it looked like I at least did something around the house before I went back to town to pick up my Mum. After doing that it was time to go get her. As I was driving back home, I began to think of some of the things I had done last summer. Having just rained my plans for a run got shot. Due to the rain the temperature jumped ten degrees and made it sticky humid. I came home did my usual chores of feeding the dogs, the chickens, the horses, and the rabbit. I then came in looked at the clock and frowned....7:30. I still had five to seven more hours before the thought of sleep even crossed my mind. Looking across my room I caught a glimpse of an orange and white wing. Thinking back to one of my conversations I had today I remembered asking if the said person liked archery.

Archery... I do not remember exactly when I had first picked up the bow, I just know that when I did something about it just seemed right. I got my first bow in fifth grade, I shot it for a while as pass time a way to keep my mind off of things, kind of like running. The idea of something so simple as pulling back a string fascinated me and allowed myself to take focus off of what was bothering me. Around eighth grade I invested a lot of time into shooting. I would get done with my run and go right into archery shooting until the sun went down which would have been a half hour maybe an hour. Freshman year we did an archery unit in class, it was the one time I was like “Hey....I can do something better than some of these people that can play every sport under the sun.” It also happened to be the shortest unit and I missed half of it due to my caved in rib cage.

So you might be asking why does this matter...you used to shoot archery...that's cool....get on with it...you're boring me...why am I still reading this? My question is...Why are you still reading this? Do you have hopes of it getting better? Are you waiting to see if I did something cool?

Okay..okay...I shall get on with it. I decided that I would pull out my bow today. Now if I remember correctly, the last time that I shot was about a year ago. I learned something today. I learned that if you do not practice on a regular basis...your skills that you worked so hard to achieve and be good at....go down the drain. I had the expectations of sending that arrow right through the center and I did. The center of the hay bale...two bales over. Yeah...so discouraged from the start I was like “Dag yo....I suck” I stayed outside for the next two hours shooting the same two arrows over and over and over again until finally the sun went down. As I walked up the house I began to reflect over what I had just done. I was already thinking of what I could change, what I could do to get better again. The solution...practice, it's what I did before.

Even now while typing this, I begin to wonder how does this apply to our spiritual life. In our daily lives we have a target. That target could be anything: telling that lad/lass you like them, finishing an assignment, throwing away your last pack of cigarettes, making it through the day, putting a smile on someones face...ect. We start out ready and aimed at the target, bulls-eye, dead center and then we stumble. We become afraid, we don’t pull back far enough on the string, we worry about what might happen if we do something wrong, if we fall short.

Let me fill you in here on some things that could happen while shooting if you do those things. Fear distracts you, it will take your mind off focus and cause you to stumble and miss your target or possibly hurt yourself (explain that in a bit). Pulling back, if you do not pull back far enough, your arrow will still travel, just not as far as it potentially could and make you miss the target, or you could hit, but it would bounce off. Worry. If you spend to much time worrying about what might happen if you do something wrong, you could end up getting burned. (this is “a bit”) By worrying about bigger things you are more apt to miss the smaller things like to keep the arm holding the bow slightly bent so you do not burn your arm when you release the arrow.

In our spiritual lives we set goals as well. Holding back in this could do some serious damage. It could prevent you from sharing the gospel with someone who may need to hear it. Or if you start to, but back away because they have a question to hard for you to answer at the time or they disagree on something. Don't give up, God put you in that position for a reason, we learn to grow through trial. Satan tries to interfere with our lives, he puts obstacles in our way, distractions, things that may scare us. We as Christians need to stay focused on what is true, just, right, and pure (Philippians 4:8), “Fight the good fight” as stated in II Timothy 4:7 and “Go..” as we are called in Matthew 28:19-20. x

Runner

 One thing I enjoy doing is running. I run a lot. Towards the beginning of this year, I was training to run a 50 miler with my youth minister just for giggles.....and to say “I ran 50 miles...once” chances are I would not do it again. So I'll give you a little history as to when I started running. One day...I was born...then I learned to run.

That is not entirely true, there were some other steps (get it) in between those two events. At a young age, I discovered that I could run. Not only could I run, but I could run fast and for a long time without getting tired. This came in handy at places like recess, I could GET AWAY from the kids bullying me. Get Away: this became a key term in developing my love of running. If I could run away from people to get away, why not do it when I am home. The more I thought about it, the more it stood out to me. Running became a time for me to get away from the house, get away from people, and just isolate myself in my thoughts. Normally this was a bad thing to do, isolation and thoughts those just lead to not decisions.

I started serious running my sixth grade year. For the first few years of my life, I blocked out all of the things that had happened to me. I basically made myself not remember them. The summer of my fifth grade year, my biological mother decided to step back into my life. Feeling ready enough to give her a chance to see if she had truly changed, I went to visit her for about a week. The first two days were fine, I thought maybe she had changed, that we could be a family again, that I did belong here and I did fit. The third night she and her current boy-friend had gotten into an argument. Things were thrown, they were yelling, I hid in my brothers room terrified. I do not remember quite sure what happened the days after that, I just know that I was ready to go back “home”.

It was shortly after that week that I started to remember things. I had flashbacks, episodes, a certain movement could trigger something and I would freeze. I did not want to talk to anybody about this, why would they believe me? They all said I was to young to remember anything, my response to that is pain makes you remember a lot of things that you wish you could forget. To avoid talking to anybody about this, I would just go for a run. Running took everything off my mind. I am a goal oriented person so when running my goal is to make it to point A to point B and back to A in this set time or better. For about two years it became a get away. My eighth grade year I started using it as me and God time. I would go for a run and pray, talk to God about the day.

Freshman year sucked as you have read in my other blog Honest Life.I decided to join cross country this year as well. I liked running, I was good at it, why not do it competitively? In practice I found myself running alone and again used this time to just think about the day, class work, deep questions I had “saved for a later time”. This became a daily thing for me. After school I would change into my running gear, stretch with the team, and take off on my run lost in thoughts. This lasted until my last race, it was a week after my suicide attempt. I had been training for the SCA's and our final race was on a track I knew very well, happened to be my favourite. I was coming down the final hill just before hitting the half mile mark, it was my usual speed up point. Having rained the day before, the path was a little washed out so I took it a little slower than normal to avoid causing any injury. It turned out that my cautiousness had gotten the best of me. I don't remember how, but I ended up close to a tree root that had been exposed due to the rain. Stepping to the side to avoid it, I ended up planting my foot in a hole and caught it on a root slamming my knee backwards, ultimately hyper-extending my knee. Being the intelligent person I am, I finished my race qualifying for State.

I did not run at State, I did not stay off my feet long enough to let my knee heal. My Sophomore year I made it halfway through the season before I blew it out again. After that, hung up my shoes and gave up on running. I turned to art and music. This year, I am excited because the college I am attending has cross country. Being passionate about running still, I have decided to give it a try one last time. I have been conditioning for the past four months, prepping myself for the season ahead. My goal is to run smart and not over do myself, I don't want to let something I love doing fall in the dust again. There have been to many times where I have quit doing something that I love, I am not going to let go of running. It is my get away, my God time, and my thinking time. If there is something your truly love doing, don't give up on it, don't let go of it, pursue it. Hebrews 12:1 “...run with endurance...” x