Each time I write a post something big seems to happen in my life. It may be something good, it may be something bad. Lately I have found myself thinking about my time spent here in college. I have made the decision to stop with an Associates degree and pursue so.ethi g different perferably working with at risk youth. The thought of graduating from college in about a month has me feeling all kinds of weird things. This has also allowed me to reflect on my time spent here.
For this program, I had to fill out an experience form that tells what I have done/ taken part in while attending school here. As I began ti fill this out I found myself a little disappointed. I had noticed a pattern that I seem have never been able to out run. Due to being a very quiet person and not the most assertive I find myself often overlooked by others and even forgotten. This happens a lot.
During my time of attending school here I have been in three different friend groups with about six people excluding me. People come, stay for a semester, and leave. The turn-over is awful here. Off all these people from these different groups, I still keep in contact with two maybe three. I find it a little discouraging to be honest. Tiz another pattern that seems to form in my life that continues to feed my longing for consistency.
Apologies for the somewhat rant or half post, toz all I can think of at the moment. Good night lads/lasses. X
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Misunderstood
I wish I could make people understand. Understand what it is like to be me. To think what I think, to feel what I feel, to have them truly see and think of a day to day basis how I do. To have them endure the same anxieties that I do on the same level.
Maybe, just maybe people would understand it. People would understand me. If people understood me, they would know that I am a human being, I have feelings. On the outside, I may not be that kid that expresses what I feel, I may not wear my emotions on my sleeve like everyone else but they do exist. I get upset words still do damage. The way people treat me causes damage. From my previous blogs you have gathered that I still struggle with cutting. This semester has been really hard on me. I have had nights where I just need an escape, a quick fix, a way to let everything out. I was doing good until tonight. I fucked up.
If people understood me, they might choose to acknowledge that I exist. I have gone to school here for two years now and I still live in the shadows of everyone's life. I am an after thought, a convenience. I am here to fix your IT problems, or to bring you food, to clean up your mess, and be expected to keep tabs on my roommate. Honestly, nobody has ever come to the room looking for me.
If people understood me, the would learn that my silence is good. I do not sit in silence because I hate people, but because I want to listen. They would know that I do not seek social confrontation because I have been shot down by people over and over again. I isolate myself because that is all I have known.
All of this is just a wish. I wish someone would take the time to get to know me. I want to be understood, I want people to accept me for who I am. I do not want to be changed, I want to be loved. I want to be invested in, to be seen as more than just a warm body that people can take advantage of when needed. X
Maybe, just maybe people would understand it. People would understand me. If people understood me, they would know that I am a human being, I have feelings. On the outside, I may not be that kid that expresses what I feel, I may not wear my emotions on my sleeve like everyone else but they do exist. I get upset words still do damage. The way people treat me causes damage. From my previous blogs you have gathered that I still struggle with cutting. This semester has been really hard on me. I have had nights where I just need an escape, a quick fix, a way to let everything out. I was doing good until tonight. I fucked up.
If people understood me, they might choose to acknowledge that I exist. I have gone to school here for two years now and I still live in the shadows of everyone's life. I am an after thought, a convenience. I am here to fix your IT problems, or to bring you food, to clean up your mess, and be expected to keep tabs on my roommate. Honestly, nobody has ever come to the room looking for me.
If people understood me, the would learn that my silence is good. I do not sit in silence because I hate people, but because I want to listen. They would know that I do not seek social confrontation because I have been shot down by people over and over again. I isolate myself because that is all I have known.
All of this is just a wish. I wish someone would take the time to get to know me. I want to be understood, I want people to accept me for who I am. I do not want to be changed, I want to be loved. I want to be invested in, to be seen as more than just a warm body that people can take advantage of when needed. X
Sunday, August 28, 2016
The Intern
Man, it has been a while since I have posted anything here. To be honest, I am not the best with words nor do I find much of anything I do very interesting. This summer was probably one of the most stressful and discouraging part of my life. I have never felt more betrayed by a place that I hold a deep fondness for.
This summer had the chance to do my internship at my home church. I thought this would be a great opportunity to get to know the people more at my church and make things a little easier on the social aspect. I had pretty full summer, Wednesday night classes, Sunday morning teaching, three weeks of camp, a week of drumming, a mini mission trip, CIY, and VBS. Along with all that, office hours. I was fairly busy.
My first week of camp was awful, nobody listened in the class and straight up told me they would not due to my gender and the fact that I was not much older than them. Second week I was unexpected dorm mum and nurse. We also had a really bad sickness going around camp. I cleaned up a lot of vomit. I also had to fill in for someone on a class. Third week of camp was canceled. Between the first two being back to back, I was beat. I had about a week or two I between events that I spent in the office doing lesson prep and gathering my supplies. The kids had a blast on Wednesday nights. We walked through the 40 years in the wilderness. They even got to build tents out of PVC. It was also during this time that I let the stresses of life get to me and messed things up with my significant other.
The next big trip was to a school in Arkansas. I went on a mini mission trip with the middle school kids. While we were here, we cleaned up their gardens, transplanted tulips, and deep cleaned the school. It wad also on this trip that I got stung by a red wasp smack dab in the center on top of my hand. Within a 5 hour span, my hand was swollen to my fingertips all the up to my elbow. Freakin savage. I ended every evening with a small reflection of the day and verse or two from the book of Philippines.
Following this was CIY. Again I only had one day I between the two to do laundry. This week legit kicked me in the feels. We walked through the book of Ephesians each night in the main session and talked a little bit after them. Small groups were also different and were more about getting to know one another more and building a stronger relationship with one another. It was here that I shared my story for the first time, every detail with 13 kids that I have been working with the entire summer, with adults that had watched me grow up in the church and had no idea. I was not cool with it at first, but God uses that to impact more than what we think.
For our extended recreation, we went to and Escape Room. We were split into two groups and locked in a room. We had an hour to escape. My group was two steps away, the other group had four. Overall, the trip was a blast. I got to grow closer with a lot of the kids and even some of the adults.
Following this was VBS. I was in charge of games. All of them were water games, so that was fun. It was also during this time that I got to fix things with my significant other, so that made things better as well.
So as you read this you are like yo...what is so discouraging about all of this? My first week of camp made me feel like a failure, nothing went right, nobody really cares, and the kids smeared ink all over my stuff. Following this were two board meetings that I got to attend. In both of these, the role of women in the church was brought up. This has been an issue that I had fought before, but have been able to drop it. This went on for two months and the main elders basically decided that a woman cannot: Give communion meditation, pass offering plates, pass communion plate, speak doctrine, or teach a class even if it is not on a "standard" church night. She is to have mo authority over man at all. Heaven forbid a man show up and want to learn something from a woman. As you can tell I am a little bitter. To say that is stupid, if someone has knowledge let them share it. If God has blessed a female with knowledge do not let her keep it to herself, let her share it with others.
As an end result to all of this I was basically told that yes, we support your choice, yes we support you, but you will never be a youth minister; the only thing you can be is a minister's wife. This enraged me, it is an insult. It is basically saying you are not good enough, your voice does not matter. I got this from my home church. It crushed me. It made me angry, and it severely discouraged to the point that I do not even want to be here this semester. I still have the feeling, it is hard to battle sometimes. Even now, being here with my profs and fellow classmates it is hard to stay encouraged about such things.
Well that is about all I have for right now. Going to a steam punk festival this weekend, followed by a trip to an amusement park the next weekend. So many adventures, may post about them! Stay fabulous! X
This summer had the chance to do my internship at my home church. I thought this would be a great opportunity to get to know the people more at my church and make things a little easier on the social aspect. I had pretty full summer, Wednesday night classes, Sunday morning teaching, three weeks of camp, a week of drumming, a mini mission trip, CIY, and VBS. Along with all that, office hours. I was fairly busy.
My first week of camp was awful, nobody listened in the class and straight up told me they would not due to my gender and the fact that I was not much older than them. Second week I was unexpected dorm mum and nurse. We also had a really bad sickness going around camp. I cleaned up a lot of vomit. I also had to fill in for someone on a class. Third week of camp was canceled. Between the first two being back to back, I was beat. I had about a week or two I between events that I spent in the office doing lesson prep and gathering my supplies. The kids had a blast on Wednesday nights. We walked through the 40 years in the wilderness. They even got to build tents out of PVC. It was also during this time that I let the stresses of life get to me and messed things up with my significant other.
The next big trip was to a school in Arkansas. I went on a mini mission trip with the middle school kids. While we were here, we cleaned up their gardens, transplanted tulips, and deep cleaned the school. It wad also on this trip that I got stung by a red wasp smack dab in the center on top of my hand. Within a 5 hour span, my hand was swollen to my fingertips all the up to my elbow. Freakin savage. I ended every evening with a small reflection of the day and verse or two from the book of Philippines.
Following this was CIY. Again I only had one day I between the two to do laundry. This week legit kicked me in the feels. We walked through the book of Ephesians each night in the main session and talked a little bit after them. Small groups were also different and were more about getting to know one another more and building a stronger relationship with one another. It was here that I shared my story for the first time, every detail with 13 kids that I have been working with the entire summer, with adults that had watched me grow up in the church and had no idea. I was not cool with it at first, but God uses that to impact more than what we think.
For our extended recreation, we went to and Escape Room. We were split into two groups and locked in a room. We had an hour to escape. My group was two steps away, the other group had four. Overall, the trip was a blast. I got to grow closer with a lot of the kids and even some of the adults.
Following this was VBS. I was in charge of games. All of them were water games, so that was fun. It was also during this time that I got to fix things with my significant other, so that made things better as well.
So as you read this you are like yo...what is so discouraging about all of this? My first week of camp made me feel like a failure, nothing went right, nobody really cares, and the kids smeared ink all over my stuff. Following this were two board meetings that I got to attend. In both of these, the role of women in the church was brought up. This has been an issue that I had fought before, but have been able to drop it. This went on for two months and the main elders basically decided that a woman cannot: Give communion meditation, pass offering plates, pass communion plate, speak doctrine, or teach a class even if it is not on a "standard" church night. She is to have mo authority over man at all. Heaven forbid a man show up and want to learn something from a woman. As you can tell I am a little bitter. To say that is stupid, if someone has knowledge let them share it. If God has blessed a female with knowledge do not let her keep it to herself, let her share it with others.
As an end result to all of this I was basically told that yes, we support your choice, yes we support you, but you will never be a youth minister; the only thing you can be is a minister's wife. This enraged me, it is an insult. It is basically saying you are not good enough, your voice does not matter. I got this from my home church. It crushed me. It made me angry, and it severely discouraged to the point that I do not even want to be here this semester. I still have the feeling, it is hard to battle sometimes. Even now, being here with my profs and fellow classmates it is hard to stay encouraged about such things.
Well that is about all I have for right now. Going to a steam punk festival this weekend, followed by a trip to an amusement park the next weekend. So many adventures, may post about them! Stay fabulous! X
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Change
In my short life of 19 years, I have come to realize that change is an ever going and ever present thing. We have all head the phrase, "Things change over time" or the famous, "Times have changed." Why? Why does this happen? Why are we as humans so caught up in change? What is wrong with consistency?
I look at the small number of people I used to associate myself with in high school, we are all so different now. Most of them left while I was in middle school. The ones who did not stay, found different people to hangout with or completely changed their lifestyle.
Over the past semester, I have discovered that I long for consistency. Consistency in my friendships, in my household, in my grades, in my relationships with others. I am sick and tired of change. Change makes me anxious, it makes me uneasy, and it leaves me feeling over all hopeless. I say this because there is nothing to do about fixing it. I cannot fix it. People change, everyone has a different influence or person they idolize or look up to. They try their best to be that person. It is like nobody today wants to be an original, they want to be someone else, someone they are not.
Why is this? Have we as Americans become so wrapped up in things that we loath who we are? We were made to be ourselves, not to wear the masks of someone we are not. You are a unique individual. Do not let Hollywood, a stupid imagine, or a tabloid tell you how you should look or act. Be yourself, be an original, be someone who makes nobody feel like a somebody. x
I look at the small number of people I used to associate myself with in high school, we are all so different now. Most of them left while I was in middle school. The ones who did not stay, found different people to hangout with or completely changed their lifestyle.
Over the past semester, I have discovered that I long for consistency. Consistency in my friendships, in my household, in my grades, in my relationships with others. I am sick and tired of change. Change makes me anxious, it makes me uneasy, and it leaves me feeling over all hopeless. I say this because there is nothing to do about fixing it. I cannot fix it. People change, everyone has a different influence or person they idolize or look up to. They try their best to be that person. It is like nobody today wants to be an original, they want to be someone else, someone they are not.
Why is this? Have we as Americans become so wrapped up in things that we loath who we are? We were made to be ourselves, not to wear the masks of someone we are not. You are a unique individual. Do not let Hollywood, a stupid imagine, or a tabloid tell you how you should look or act. Be yourself, be an original, be someone who makes nobody feel like a somebody. x
Monday, January 18, 2016
Temporary
It seems like everything that goes on today is temporary. Jobs are temporary, friendships are temporary, even relationships are temporary. It makes me sick. Sometimes we cannot help it; people move, relationships change, decisions get made, you get let go at your job, or you simply find a better one. We as people probably have a valid excuse for why we make things so temporary. One thing that I have noticed while attending Bible College is that relationships with friends can be hard. People come and people go. Some graduate, others have theology shifts, and some just never come back.
There are some factors that play into this. Money can play a huge roll in ones ability to come back. Health plays a role in the ability to stay. Myself personally, I have not been as out and open. I have gone back to shutting people out, avoiding people, I have resorted to hiding myself under piles and piles of homework to leave no time for people. On top of that I am starting to get in the swing of things in the IT department, that takes up more time as well.
As I look at the things I have done I start to realize just how stupid I am! These things are only temporary because I allow them to be. I spend to much time being afraid or afraid of getting hurt that I just issolate myself. What other possible reason can I have beside this? As Christians we are called to have fellowship with one another. If I sit and isolate myself, how can I possibly fellowship with my fellow Christians? x
There are some factors that play into this. Money can play a huge roll in ones ability to come back. Health plays a role in the ability to stay. Myself personally, I have not been as out and open. I have gone back to shutting people out, avoiding people, I have resorted to hiding myself under piles and piles of homework to leave no time for people. On top of that I am starting to get in the swing of things in the IT department, that takes up more time as well.
As I look at the things I have done I start to realize just how stupid I am! These things are only temporary because I allow them to be. I spend to much time being afraid or afraid of getting hurt that I just issolate myself. What other possible reason can I have beside this? As Christians we are called to have fellowship with one another. If I sit and isolate myself, how can I possibly fellowship with my fellow Christians? x
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Do You Want To Go To Mordor......
I was chilling in the lobby with a few of my friends here at school, and we started watching Lord of the Rings. By taking part of this activity....I began to sing a parody I wrote over spring break last semester. It goes to the tune of "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" Soooo I hope you enjoy this, try not to make fun of me to much.
Do you wanna go to Mordor
Come on lets go today
The wizard Gandolf is here in town
He's grey not brown
Hip Hip Hooray
We can take Pippin and Mary
And Sam Wise too
What have we got to loooooose
Do you wanna go to Mordor
It really has to be to Mordor
(Fly away you fools)
okay bye
Do you wanna go to Mordor
We'll meet some elves along the way
Maybe kill an Orc or two
Does that sound good to you
and Gollum's cray
Oh look I see some Ring Wraiths
And Soron too
That is one scary dude
Do you wanna go to Mordor
It really has to be to Mordor
(Fly away you fools)
okay bye
Frodo....I know you're in there,
The ring is messing with your head
You say take courage, and I'm trying to
I'll be right with you, until the end
I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you
That's what I'm going to do
Do you wanna go to Mordor
I hope you enjoyed this....I hope to get a video up of it on the youtubes soon. This isn't a normal blog post done by me...normally I am a little more serious, but hey..this shows a different side of me. Have an awesome day/night. x
Do you wanna go to Mordor
Come on lets go today
The wizard Gandolf is here in town
He's grey not brown
Hip Hip Hooray
We can take Pippin and Mary
And Sam Wise too
What have we got to loooooose
Do you wanna go to Mordor
It really has to be to Mordor
(Fly away you fools)
okay bye
Do you wanna go to Mordor
We'll meet some elves along the way
Maybe kill an Orc or two
Does that sound good to you
and Gollum's cray
Oh look I see some Ring Wraiths
And Soron too
That is one scary dude
Do you wanna go to Mordor
It really has to be to Mordor
(Fly away you fools)
okay bye
Frodo....I know you're in there,
The ring is messing with your head
You say take courage, and I'm trying to
I'll be right with you, until the end
I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you
That's what I'm going to do
Do you wanna go to Mordor
I hope you enjoyed this....I hope to get a video up of it on the youtubes soon. This isn't a normal blog post done by me...normally I am a little more serious, but hey..this shows a different side of me. Have an awesome day/night. x
Friday, August 21, 2015
Forgotten Post....
Where do I even start....This summer has been crazy guys. This past week has been pretty crazy. I am so ready to be back at school, back around friends, positive influences, and out of the house. When I first came home, I was like...alright...I have 184 more days until I go back to school, what can I do to make them go by as quickly as possible. I could get a job, I can work at the church, do odd and end jobs, sell some things...little things. I ended up working at my Mum's dog grooming shop. A little bit about me...I HATE dogs. As long as I can remember...we have always had dogs not like two or three dogs...I mean like eight to ten. We currently have thirteen. Take that, then I see like twelve to twenty dogs everyday going in and out of the shop, plus the boarding kennels we have at home. As much as I hate these four legged, furry beasts that slobber and pee on everything, I have been super thankful for them.
I catch myself on that last part, because sometimes I am not. I get angry, frustrated, I start to complain, and overall become super selfish. I loose sight of what I'm really doing. I have a job, I have an income, working for my parent I can pretty much get off when ever I want, I do easy work, I can provide. There are people who can't get a job, hold a job, people who may not know where there next meal is coming from and here, with a job and I am saying..."I hate this." how ungrateful can I be? x
I catch myself on that last part, because sometimes I am not. I get angry, frustrated, I start to complain, and overall become super selfish. I loose sight of what I'm really doing. I have a job, I have an income, working for my parent I can pretty much get off when ever I want, I do easy work, I can provide. There are people who can't get a job, hold a job, people who may not know where there next meal is coming from and here, with a job and I am saying..."I hate this." how ungrateful can I be? x
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