Winds of Change

Each time I write a post something big seems to happen in my life. It may be something good, it may be something bad. Lately I have found myself thinking about my time spent here in college. I have made the decision to stop with an Associates degree and pursue so.ethi g different perferably working with at risk youth. The thought of graduating from college in about a month has me feeling all kinds of weird things. This has also allowed me to reflect on my time spent here.

For this program, I had to fill out an experience form that tells what I have done/ taken part in while attending school here. As I began ti fill this out I found myself a little disappointed. I had noticed a pattern that I seem have never been able to out run. Due to being a very quiet person and not the most assertive I find myself often overlooked by others and even forgotten. This happens a lot.

During my time of attending school here I have been in three different friend groups with about six people excluding me. People come, stay for a semester, and leave. The turn-over is awful here. Off all these people from these different groups, I still keep in contact with two maybe three. I find it a little discouraging to be honest. Tiz another pattern that seems to form in my life that continues to feed my longing for consistency.

Apologies for the somewhat rant or half post, toz all I can think of at the moment. Good night lads/lasses. X

Misunderstood

I wish I could make people understand. Understand what it is like to be me. To think what I think, to feel what I feel, to have them truly see and think of a day to day basis how I do. To have them endure the same anxieties that I do on the same level.


Maybe, just maybe people would understand it. People would understand me. If people understood me, they would know that I am a human being, I have feelings. On the outside, I may not be that kid that expresses what I feel, I may not wear my emotions on my sleeve like everyone else but they do exist. I get upset words still do damage. The way people treat me causes damage. From my previous blogs you have gathered that I still struggle with cutting. This semester has been really hard on me. I have had nights where I just need an escape, a quick fix, a way to let everything out. I was doing good until tonight. I fucked up.


If people understood me, they might choose to acknowledge that I exist. I have gone to school here for two years now and I still live in the shadows of everyone's life. I am an after thought, a convenience. I am here to fix your IT problems, or to bring you food, to clean up your mess, and be expected to keep tabs on my roommate. Honestly, nobody has ever come to the room looking for me.
If people understood me, the would learn that my silence is good. I do not sit in silence because I hate people, but because I want to listen. They would know that I do not seek social confrontation because I have been shot down by people over and over again. I isolate myself because that is all I have known.
All of this is just a wish. I wish someone would take the time to get to know me. I want to be understood, I want people to accept me for who I am. I do not want to be changed, I want to be loved. I want to be invested in, to be seen as more than just a warm body that people can take advantage of when needed. X

The Intern

Man, it has been a while since I have posted anything here. To be honest, I am not the best with words nor do I find much of anything I do very interesting. This summer was probably one of the most stressful and discouraging part of my life. I have never felt more betrayed by a place that I hold a deep fondness for.
This summer had the chance to do my internship at my home church. I thought this would be a great opportunity to get to know the people more at my church and make things a little easier on the social aspect. I had pretty full summer, Wednesday night classes, Sunday morning teaching, three weeks of camp, a week of drumming, a mini mission trip, CIY, and VBS. Along with all that, office hours. I was fairly busy.


 My first week of camp was awful, nobody listened in the class and straight up told me they would not due to my gender and the fact that I was not much older than them. Second week I was unexpected dorm mum and nurse. We also had a really bad sickness going around camp. I cleaned up a lot of vomit. I also had to fill in for someone on a class. Third week of camp was canceled. Between the first two being back to back, I was beat. I had about a week or two I between events that I spent in the office doing lesson prep and gathering my supplies. The kids had a blast on Wednesday nights. We walked through the 40 years in the wilderness. They even got to build tents out of PVC. It was also during this time that I let the stresses of life get to me and messed things up with my significant other.


The next big trip was to a school in Arkansas. I went on a mini mission trip with the middle school kids. While we were here, we cleaned up their gardens, transplanted tulips, and deep cleaned the school. It wad also on this trip that I got stung by a red wasp smack dab in the center on top of my hand. Within a 5 hour span, my hand was swollen to my fingertips all the up to my elbow. Freakin savage. I ended every evening with a small reflection of the day and verse or two from the book of Philippines.

Following this was CIY. Again I only had one day I between the two to do laundry. This week legit kicked me in the feels. We walked through the book of Ephesians each night in the main session and talked a little bit after them. Small groups were also different and were more about getting to know one another more and building a stronger relationship with one another. It was here that I shared my story for the first time, every detail with 13 kids that I have been working with the entire summer, with adults that had watched me grow up in the church and had no idea. I was not cool with it at first, but God uses that to impact more than what we think.

For our extended recreation, we went to and Escape Room. We were split into two groups and locked in a room. We had an hour to escape. My group was two steps away, the other group had four. Overall, the trip was a blast. I got to grow closer with a lot of the kids and even some of the adults.
Following this was VBS. I was in charge of games. All of them were water games, so that was fun. It was also during this time that I got to fix things with my significant other, so that made things better as well.


So as you read this you are like yo...what is so discouraging about all of this? My first week of camp made me feel like a failure, nothing went right, nobody really cares, and the kids smeared ink all over my stuff. Following this were two board meetings that I got to attend. In both of these, the role of women in the church was brought up. This has been an issue that I had fought before, but have been able to drop it. This went on for two months and the main elders basically decided that a woman cannot: Give communion meditation, pass offering plates, pass communion plate, speak doctrine, or teach a class even if it is not on a "standard" church night. She is to have mo authority over man at all. Heaven forbid a man show up and want to learn something from a woman. As you can tell I am a little bitter. To say that is stupid, if someone has knowledge let them share it. If God has blessed a female with knowledge do not let her keep it to herself, let her share it with others.
As an end result to all of this I was basically told that yes, we support your choice, yes we support you, but you will never be a youth minister; the only thing you can be is a minister's wife. This enraged me, it is an insult. It is basically saying you are not good enough, your voice does not matter. I got this from my home church. It crushed me. It made me angry, and it severely discouraged to the point that I do not even want to be here this semester. I still have the feeling, it is hard to battle sometimes. Even now, being here with my profs and fellow classmates it is hard to stay encouraged about such things.
Well that is about all I have for right now. Going to a steam punk festival this weekend, followed by a trip to an amusement park the next weekend. So many adventures, may post about them! Stay fabulous! X

Vacation.....

For the past three months I have been waiting for this past week, to go back home to Michigan. I had plans to go with a friend and then he got scheduled to work. I had pretty much decided that I was just going to go like I normally do...alone. Then as I got to thinking about everything I was like “hey, my cousin never comes and maybe she would like to.” So I called her up and asked if she wanted to come. I had made plans for us to go to Michigan Adventure, the Soda Fountain, and my other cousin's wedding with me.

The car ride up wasn't so bad, tiz a twelve hour drive. We got in around seven Michigan time. Excited and on the verge to bust a gut, I bypassed my grandma and ran right for the restroom. Once out, I gave her the proper greeting she deserved, then unloaded everyone's stuff from the car. Thursday we woke up a little late and did some work in the yard for my grandma and then went to the beach for some sunset pictures. We ended up going a little to early so I did not some good ones like I did the last time. There were some lads out jumping the waves on jet skis it was fun to watch that. Occasionally they fell off or tipped upside down. The beach was a mess, I was sad to see it in that state. With all the ice they had this year and the glaciers melting, it had washed up some nasty stuff on the beach.

Friday we stopped by to see my grandpa. About a month ago, I received a phone call saying that he was not doing well at all. His heart was only working at 25% even with the pump that he had. Being the age he was, he was no longer a good candidate for heart surgery. Knowing I would have much time any other day except for Sunday, I went and saw him before I went to the amusement park. We had a very nice visit, caught up with each other, joked around, my cousin got to talk to him for a bit , she hadn't seen him in about three years. After saying our bye's my cousin and I went to Michigan Adventure and I must say, it was a blast. The first place we went was Shivering Timbers. It used to be, I do not know if it still is, but at the time of it's building it was the country's largest wooden roller coaster. After that, we made our way through the park, the lines weren't to awfully bad, and it was the perfect day to be outside. It was the first time in a long time I had seen my cousin truly happy. Our day did not end there. We left the park around six and headed up to a horse camp where some of my Mum's friends were staying. I got the privilege of doing what I would normally do while attending that same camp; starting the fire for the evening gathering.

Sitting around the fire was nice. I saw some people I had met the year before and some new faces. I did not contribute much the conversations, I was pretty tired. The adults were talking about proposal stories, how cheap gas used to be and what they would do as teenagers. I ended up talking to a lad that was across from me about books.

Saturday was an over all fantastically terrible day. I woke up late so I missed breakfast with my grandpa and the rest of the family. My grandma that we were staying with was rushed to urgent care first thing. Once we got back, it was time to get ready for the wedding we were attending while being home. We left the house with my aunt and uncle. The wedding was nice, I can't say I enjoy weddings, but this one was rather nice and very pretty. It was outside a church surrounded by pines with a little stage. The church had called it “Chapel in the Pines”. We went back to the house after that then headed to the VFW hall for the reception. I can't say I remember much of the reception sadly, what I do remember brings tears to my eyes. For the past three weeks I have been suffering from headaches that gradually shift into migraines. At the reception, I was borderline migraine. I had a small conversation with my grandpa then just kind of zoned out trying to blot out the noise. When he got up and left, I had not idea that it was the last time I was going to talk to him. We had all made plans to eat breakfast together Sunday morning. We left early from the reception to help my aunt do chores for her daughter. On our way out to the house we were going to, we got a phone call. It was my grandpa, he had collapsed. When we got to the location, he was on the ground with paramedics surrounding him. This was my last memory of him. I took for granted that I was going to see him Sunday, I didn't tell him “bye” I didn't say “I love you” after I talked to him last. In fact his last words to me were “I wish you would smile more” those words hurt, my response was to shrug it off. I did not sleep Saturday night, every time I closed my eyes I saw him laying there with the paramedics working on him.

Sunday I woke up a mess. We all did. Mum had a surprise graduation party planned for me and she still went through with it. She insisted that it was what he would have wanted. I didn’t want to say no, to be honest part of me thought it would at least be good for the family to be together. I could slap on a smile and act happy for a few hours. That is what I did, when everyone left I went to sleep. We left Monday morning early and got back around eight that evening. The car was filled with an awkward silence none of us really wanting to say anything.

I can't say this has been my particularly favourite vacation, if anything it had set me back more than it has helped. Seeing someone you love die and then thinking of all the things you should have said, things you should have done, it kills you. I can't say I'm really ready to talk about it yet, honestly I cried the whole time I typed this. The only thing different about dealing with this is that I am not alone this time. I have friends that I made in college that are here for me, just a phone call away. x

Depression a Series: Part 1: Understanding Depression

Since I have been home, the topic I come across being back seems to be depression. I go to church Sunday mornings and in my class we talk about depression. We talk about the affects and it is linked to teen suicide instantly. I choose not to say much about when the topic is brought up, I know very well what it is like for both of those. I hear people talk about it as I walk into the local bank, I have a few friends that have and had suffer from it. One has helped me through my depression and self harm more than what he has realized. As for my other friends, one in particular back here I am trying to help him overcome his. In order to do this, I needed to get a better understanding of this illness or condition. The only knowledge I had of this was my own personal account and the account from one other friend. My depression was not the same as his, my depression is not going to be the same as his depression, or your depression, or whoever's depression. I think one thing we could all agree on is that depression robs people of their energy, sleep, memory, concentration, vitality, joy, and the ability to love, in extreme cases....the will to even live.

Before fulling jumping into this, I decided to confront my Bible. I wanted to see what it had to say about depression. There is one story that comes to mind right off that deals with depression. The story of Elijah to be exact. Bible Passages about Elijah: 1 Kings 17-19; with Luke 4:25-26; James 5:17-18; 1 Kings 21:11-29; 2 Kings 1:1-2:18; with Romans 11:1-4; Matthew 17:1-3; Mark 9:2-4; Luke 9:28-31.

Understanding Depression:

Over the past few years, depression in the United States as increased. One in four people will be labeled as “depressed” at some point in their life. That is like...seventy million people. It is roughly ten times higher than it was two generations ago. Twenty-one percent of children ages nine to seventeen have a diagnosis of depression. In the past thirteen years, depression in college students has double and suicide rates in the same area have tripped. These statistics floored me. An evolutionist would say it was something in the gene pool that caused it to happen. Lets be honest for a moment, (I am not an evolutionist, I am a creationist) everybody knows that the gene pool does not and could not change that quickly. Pushing that thought away quickly, I had to think of what had changed so much that this could happen in such a short span. The first thing that comes to mind is (drum role) Life Style.

If you look at statistics of depression in the U.S. you will notice there is one group that has not been hit by what is called the “Modern Depression Epidemic.” That group is the Amish. They cling to eighth-century living. They have the lowest rate of depression.

In developing (third-world) countries, the rates of depression are a fraction of what they are in the U.S. However, depression rates have started to go up in countries where people are shifting to a more Americanized lifestyle than a traditional.

Did you catch that last part? Countries that shifted to a more Americanized lifestyle. Why would that be? This made me think for a bit. I often ask myself what makes this country so great? We are called “The Big Brother” because we take care of everyone else. I think we should mind our own business, unless someone asks for our help we stay out of it. I mean this politically. I do believe in overseas missions. This is a different subject for a different time. What I think it boils down to is we as American's are selfish and we allow ourselves to fall into self pity. God gave us life, but being selfish we want more. More out of life, more from life, when we do not get it....we get mad. We complain about how much our life sucks when really we have it pretty good. I am NOT saying this is the case for everyone, this might not even be true, it is just a thought do not get mad at me everyone has them, we just might not agree.

Depression is split into two different categories. Those categories are:

Endogenous Depression: This can be caused by a medical illness or a high impact of stress. This mainly creates a chemical imbalance in the brain effecting neurotransmitters in the brain. Essentially, high stress levels are messing with the serotonin, norepinphrine, or dopamine levels causing them to be depleted. By messing with the neurotransmitters, this type of depression is the one that causes suicidal thoughts, fatigue, and loss of interest.

Exogenous Depression: This is pretty self explanatory. Life in general is full of loss and change. This form of depression can impact anybody at any time. Any experience of loss can cause this type of depression. Exogenous depression is not as bad as Endogenous depression, but over time it may become Endogenous. Antidepressants usually do not work for this type of depression since it does not mess with the neurotransmitters.

These categories are then split further into Diagnostic categories. (I got these from Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disordres).

1. Major Depressive Disorder also know as unipolar. This is what is commonly known as “clinical depression.” Usually characterized by a persistent sad mood and inability to feel happiness.

2. Dysthymia Disorder is a milder form of smoldering depression. It lasts for a long time. It has the symptoms of major depression, only milder. It can go on for years meaning that it could start in the early teen years and possibly even childhood.

3. Double Depression. Combination of major depression and dysthmia. Can be both serious and chronic.

4.. Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood. This depression parallels the Exogenous depression. It implies the adjustment to loss or change is taking longer than the average time expected. This is the most common diagnosis for mild to moderate depression ass a result of a stressor or challenging life event.

5. Bipolar Depression or “manic depression” is very serious and is marked by episodes of depression with a high energy. One can suffer from explosive outbursts during this type of depression. It can be drug induced but is mainly genetically passed on. It comes in two types:

Type I: Involves severe /bizarre outbursts

Type II: Involves energetic but not bizarre outbursts.

The others include Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), Cyclothymic Disorder, and Substance-Induced Mood Disorder. I will attach links so you can read about these if you would like. The five listed above are the main ones I wanted to understand and look into. I hope this has been interesting or has maybe helped you understand what depression is, it has helped me some and I felt like sharing it. I hope that by understanding it, one day we can put and end to it. This is all I have for now, keep this in mind and be checking for Part II, it will be looking into some things that might cause depression.

If there is one thing I want you to know right now is that you are not alone in this. My favourite song is by Colton Dixon and it is called NeverGone. The message in this song is extremely powerful and means a lot to me personally. A few other things to keep in mind to is Jeremiah 29:11, “plans to prosper you, not harm you.” Also Hebrews 13:5, Deuteronomy 31:6, and Joshua 1:5, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” I have discovered that scripture is the best way to combat a lot of my thoughts when it comes to depression and feeling alone. There are a few things and a few verses I want you to know when dealing with depression.

1. God Never Loses Sight Of You

Deuteronomy 31: 8

Deuteronomy 32:10

Psalm 34:17

Psalm 40: 1-3

2.Your Trust And Hope Is In Him, Call On Him

Psalm 3:3

Psalm 32: 10

Psalm 37: 3-4

Psalm 42:11

1 Peter 5:6-7

3.He Has Great Plans For You

Jeremiah 29:11

John 16:33

1 Peter 4:12-13

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I hope you have a fantastic day or evening depending on your time zone or whatever your hour of reading be. x