Runner

 One thing I enjoy doing is running. I run a lot. Towards the beginning of this year, I was training to run a 50 miler with my youth minister just for giggles.....and to say “I ran 50 miles...once” chances are I would not do it again. So I'll give you a little history as to when I started running. One day...I was born...then I learned to run.

That is not entirely true, there were some other steps (get it) in between those two events. At a young age, I discovered that I could run. Not only could I run, but I could run fast and for a long time without getting tired. This came in handy at places like recess, I could GET AWAY from the kids bullying me. Get Away: this became a key term in developing my love of running. If I could run away from people to get away, why not do it when I am home. The more I thought about it, the more it stood out to me. Running became a time for me to get away from the house, get away from people, and just isolate myself in my thoughts. Normally this was a bad thing to do, isolation and thoughts those just lead to not decisions.

I started serious running my sixth grade year. For the first few years of my life, I blocked out all of the things that had happened to me. I basically made myself not remember them. The summer of my fifth grade year, my biological mother decided to step back into my life. Feeling ready enough to give her a chance to see if she had truly changed, I went to visit her for about a week. The first two days were fine, I thought maybe she had changed, that we could be a family again, that I did belong here and I did fit. The third night she and her current boy-friend had gotten into an argument. Things were thrown, they were yelling, I hid in my brothers room terrified. I do not remember quite sure what happened the days after that, I just know that I was ready to go back “home”.

It was shortly after that week that I started to remember things. I had flashbacks, episodes, a certain movement could trigger something and I would freeze. I did not want to talk to anybody about this, why would they believe me? They all said I was to young to remember anything, my response to that is pain makes you remember a lot of things that you wish you could forget. To avoid talking to anybody about this, I would just go for a run. Running took everything off my mind. I am a goal oriented person so when running my goal is to make it to point A to point B and back to A in this set time or better. For about two years it became a get away. My eighth grade year I started using it as me and God time. I would go for a run and pray, talk to God about the day.

Freshman year sucked as you have read in my other blog Honest Life.I decided to join cross country this year as well. I liked running, I was good at it, why not do it competitively? In practice I found myself running alone and again used this time to just think about the day, class work, deep questions I had “saved for a later time”. This became a daily thing for me. After school I would change into my running gear, stretch with the team, and take off on my run lost in thoughts. This lasted until my last race, it was a week after my suicide attempt. I had been training for the SCA's and our final race was on a track I knew very well, happened to be my favourite. I was coming down the final hill just before hitting the half mile mark, it was my usual speed up point. Having rained the day before, the path was a little washed out so I took it a little slower than normal to avoid causing any injury. It turned out that my cautiousness had gotten the best of me. I don't remember how, but I ended up close to a tree root that had been exposed due to the rain. Stepping to the side to avoid it, I ended up planting my foot in a hole and caught it on a root slamming my knee backwards, ultimately hyper-extending my knee. Being the intelligent person I am, I finished my race qualifying for State.

I did not run at State, I did not stay off my feet long enough to let my knee heal. My Sophomore year I made it halfway through the season before I blew it out again. After that, hung up my shoes and gave up on running. I turned to art and music. This year, I am excited because the college I am attending has cross country. Being passionate about running still, I have decided to give it a try one last time. I have been conditioning for the past four months, prepping myself for the season ahead. My goal is to run smart and not over do myself, I don't want to let something I love doing fall in the dust again. There have been to many times where I have quit doing something that I love, I am not going to let go of running. It is my get away, my God time, and my thinking time. If there is something your truly love doing, don't give up on it, don't let go of it, pursue it. Hebrews 12:1 “...run with endurance...” x