Forgotten Post....

Where do I even start....This summer has been crazy guys. This past week has been pretty crazy. I am so ready to be back at school, back around friends, positive influences, and out of the house. When I first came home, I was like...alright...I have 184 more days until I go back to school, what can I do to make them go by as quickly as possible. I could get a job, I can work at the church, do odd and end jobs, sell some things...little things. I ended up working at my Mum's dog grooming shop. A little bit about me...I HATE dogs. As long as I can remember...we have always had dogs not like two or three dogs...I mean like eight to ten. We currently have thirteen. Take that, then I see like twelve to twenty dogs everyday going in and out of the shop, plus the boarding kennels we have at home. As much as I hate these four legged, furry beasts that slobber and pee on everything, I have been super thankful for them.

I catch myself on that last part, because sometimes I am not. I get angry, frustrated, I start to complain, and overall become super selfish. I loose sight of what I'm really doing. I have a job, I have an income, working for my parent I can pretty much get off when ever I want, I do easy work, I can provide. There are people who can't get a job, hold a job, people who may not know where there next meal is coming from and here, with a job and I am saying..."I hate this." how ungrateful can I be? x

Just a Spark

Imagine that your mind got stuck, stuck on a certain thought or image. Take that thought and image and replay it in your mind

over

and over

and over

no matter what you did, you don't want these thoughts

eventually, it feels like an avalanche...

to make things worse, add intense feelings of anxiety...

This is OCD. This is what I feel every day.

Background:

OCD is an anxiety disorder. It involves performing certain routines or habits repetitively. For many people it can be checking things or having certain thoughts. If these routines or habits are not done, it could cause a lot of distress and totally shatter ones daily life. The habits are called obsession. Trying to control these can become overwhelming and ultimately may end up controlling the person instead.

Background on my OCD:

The first time I remember showing signs of OCD was in fourth grade. I was in the art room sitting with a couple of classmates at the table. I remember looking at the box of coloured pencils in front of me and saying...."That doesn't look right...this bothers me." I remember pushing the thoughts back until I had a tear rolling down my face. I started to "fix" them, to put them in a way that made them "feel right." After that, everything else was pointed out to me. I would get made fun of for counting my steps while walking down the hallway making sure to end on a safe number, or counting while washing my hands. This continued all the way up until I reached high school. 

I was diagnosed with a severe case Obsessive Compulsive Disorder my freshman year in school, not only that but I also had social anxiety. At first I did not believe what they, I could quit counting steps, I could quit fixing things, I didn't need things to be a certain way in order for me to carry on with my daily life. I sat in a room with a Doctor who made me do a bunch of tests. I was told to wash my hands once and sit down. Walking over to the sink I was like...."alright...I've got this...once...one." After I did that, I took my seat. We sat there in silence for a bit. It took about five seconds for my mind to start racing through all of these thoughts. "I didn't do it four times...four is my number...one is not a good number....something is going to happen because I didn't do this the correct number of times." I became squirmy and restless, the anxiety kicked in when I go up to finish my thing, I was told to sit down, to push through, to fight myself, this wasn't something that was needed to be done.

I didn't go back after that. I told my parents I was fine. I did my best to avoid triggers for my compulsions. It didn't work. I just told myself that over time it would fade, it would go away, I didn't need help. That is the biggest lie I have ever told myself. I takes a strong person to do that. There times where I do really good, but it only takes once trigger to send me back. If you are one of those strong people that have done this on your own......I'm proud of you, I commend you, you are awesome!!! I look up to you. x

Leader by Day, DJ by Night

 Hey lads/lasses, sorry it has been a while since I have posted a blog. I have been supper busy with everything that has been going on. Brief description of things these past few months. I have fourteen days before I go back to school, pretty excited. July...not entirely sure what went on in July. I pulled a quad running pretty bad so I cannot run for a few weeks on top of the pull calf muscle. So I'm out for the X-Country season before it even gets started. OOOOOHHH I had a chance to attend CIY with my youth group as a leader...we did some pretty cool things.

We got kicked out of walmart, my friend ate worms, I put on thirty-two t-shirts, did the chicken dance outside of a van. All the fun things. Not only did I do these things, but I also go to see how much these kids had grown in the time that I had left for school and it was heartwarming and an overall happy feeling. Some of these kids were a real pain and then to see them now it's like...dude...that's sweet. CIY in general was just really awesome, we talked about the story of Daniel, the first six chapters and one thing I had never taken into account the was the time.

Taking Daniel's age when they were taken captive...he was a teen. Then you have all the stuff that happens. Finally you get to the story everyone knows, Daniel and the lions den. Every lesson I have taught to the younger kids, every lesson I remember growing up, and even in illustrations I see, people picture Daniel as this guy in like his late twenties, early thirties. When you look at the time line of the kings and the events going on, Daniel is around the age of eighty when he gets thrown in the lion's den. EIGHTY! Take a moment and let that sink in. Yea. I also took away some valuable key points that I would like to share.

1. Your here is always God's there

2. Faithfulness is doing the little “usual” things in life

3. Christ may not always save you from the fiery furnace, but he will join you.

4. Humble yourself before God humbles you.

5. Allow yourself to be ruined by Christ in a beautiful way.

In other news....I ordered a new laptop top so I should be able to start setting up vlogs...maybe...depends. If I do them...let me be serious for a bit...it would be a bunch of nonsense....but yea.

So the other half of my title...DJ by night....tiz an interesting thing to say is it not? Makes is sound like I live a double life. Mysterious...or I just sound like a dork that thought that might be a cool title. We shall go with option two.

On Monday, I was asked to DJ a wedding for a person I had gone to school with. I was like “dude...yes! then as I hang up I get, “oh yeah...the wedding is Saturday.” Pressure is on now...I was not given a list, I had no idea what songs they were dancing to, or what they even wanted. Everything had to be done and finalized by seven on Friday. Tuesday and Wednesday I spent all night forming a list rearranging, planning orders, and searching through my library of music for wedding songs. I can tell you there was much coffee drinking and word scribbling. As much as I love this...last minute wedding things are not my cup of tea. This was the first time I had ever had the entire music for the wedding dumped on me, it was a little nerve racking.

In the end, everything turned out pretty fantastic! My late night stressing and coffee was totally worth it. I got to see two people join together as one with God and have a dance party afterward. I am so thankful for the opportunity to do that. Now I pretty much just sit and wait until I can go back to school. There are quite a few things I am looking forward to. Busy work, growing in knowledge, friends, positive community, and even maybe a special someone someday. That is all for now, stay excellent and enjoy what is left of summer!!!!! X

Archer

 I pulled out my bow today. I came home early from work because it was originally my day off. After doing my usual things of laundry and dishes I decided to do something. What that something was I did not know. Eventually, I decided that I was going to clean the laundry room and sweep the floors so it looked like I at least did something around the house before I went back to town to pick up my Mum. After doing that it was time to go get her. As I was driving back home, I began to think of some of the things I had done last summer. Having just rained my plans for a run got shot. Due to the rain the temperature jumped ten degrees and made it sticky humid. I came home did my usual chores of feeding the dogs, the chickens, the horses, and the rabbit. I then came in looked at the clock and frowned....7:30. I still had five to seven more hours before the thought of sleep even crossed my mind. Looking across my room I caught a glimpse of an orange and white wing. Thinking back to one of my conversations I had today I remembered asking if the said person liked archery.

Archery... I do not remember exactly when I had first picked up the bow, I just know that when I did something about it just seemed right. I got my first bow in fifth grade, I shot it for a while as pass time a way to keep my mind off of things, kind of like running. The idea of something so simple as pulling back a string fascinated me and allowed myself to take focus off of what was bothering me. Around eighth grade I invested a lot of time into shooting. I would get done with my run and go right into archery shooting until the sun went down which would have been a half hour maybe an hour. Freshman year we did an archery unit in class, it was the one time I was like “Hey....I can do something better than some of these people that can play every sport under the sun.” It also happened to be the shortest unit and I missed half of it due to my caved in rib cage.

So you might be asking why does this matter...you used to shoot archery...that's cool....get on with it...you're boring me...why am I still reading this? My question is...Why are you still reading this? Do you have hopes of it getting better? Are you waiting to see if I did something cool?

Okay..okay...I shall get on with it. I decided that I would pull out my bow today. Now if I remember correctly, the last time that I shot was about a year ago. I learned something today. I learned that if you do not practice on a regular basis...your skills that you worked so hard to achieve and be good at....go down the drain. I had the expectations of sending that arrow right through the center and I did. The center of the hay bale...two bales over. Yeah...so discouraged from the start I was like “Dag yo....I suck” I stayed outside for the next two hours shooting the same two arrows over and over and over again until finally the sun went down. As I walked up the house I began to reflect over what I had just done. I was already thinking of what I could change, what I could do to get better again. The solution...practice, it's what I did before.

Even now while typing this, I begin to wonder how does this apply to our spiritual life. In our daily lives we have a target. That target could be anything: telling that lad/lass you like them, finishing an assignment, throwing away your last pack of cigarettes, making it through the day, putting a smile on someones face...ect. We start out ready and aimed at the target, bulls-eye, dead center and then we stumble. We become afraid, we don’t pull back far enough on the string, we worry about what might happen if we do something wrong, if we fall short.

Let me fill you in here on some things that could happen while shooting if you do those things. Fear distracts you, it will take your mind off focus and cause you to stumble and miss your target or possibly hurt yourself (explain that in a bit). Pulling back, if you do not pull back far enough, your arrow will still travel, just not as far as it potentially could and make you miss the target, or you could hit, but it would bounce off. Worry. If you spend to much time worrying about what might happen if you do something wrong, you could end up getting burned. (this is “a bit”) By worrying about bigger things you are more apt to miss the smaller things like to keep the arm holding the bow slightly bent so you do not burn your arm when you release the arrow.

In our spiritual lives we set goals as well. Holding back in this could do some serious damage. It could prevent you from sharing the gospel with someone who may need to hear it. Or if you start to, but back away because they have a question to hard for you to answer at the time or they disagree on something. Don't give up, God put you in that position for a reason, we learn to grow through trial. Satan tries to interfere with our lives, he puts obstacles in our way, distractions, things that may scare us. We as Christians need to stay focused on what is true, just, right, and pure (Philippians 4:8), “Fight the good fight” as stated in II Timothy 4:7 and “Go..” as we are called in Matthew 28:19-20. x

Vacation.....

For the past three months I have been waiting for this past week, to go back home to Michigan. I had plans to go with a friend and then he got scheduled to work. I had pretty much decided that I was just going to go like I normally do...alone. Then as I got to thinking about everything I was like “hey, my cousin never comes and maybe she would like to.” So I called her up and asked if she wanted to come. I had made plans for us to go to Michigan Adventure, the Soda Fountain, and my other cousin's wedding with me.

The car ride up wasn't so bad, tiz a twelve hour drive. We got in around seven Michigan time. Excited and on the verge to bust a gut, I bypassed my grandma and ran right for the restroom. Once out, I gave her the proper greeting she deserved, then unloaded everyone's stuff from the car. Thursday we woke up a little late and did some work in the yard for my grandma and then went to the beach for some sunset pictures. We ended up going a little to early so I did not some good ones like I did the last time. There were some lads out jumping the waves on jet skis it was fun to watch that. Occasionally they fell off or tipped upside down. The beach was a mess, I was sad to see it in that state. With all the ice they had this year and the glaciers melting, it had washed up some nasty stuff on the beach.

Friday we stopped by to see my grandpa. About a month ago, I received a phone call saying that he was not doing well at all. His heart was only working at 25% even with the pump that he had. Being the age he was, he was no longer a good candidate for heart surgery. Knowing I would have much time any other day except for Sunday, I went and saw him before I went to the amusement park. We had a very nice visit, caught up with each other, joked around, my cousin got to talk to him for a bit , she hadn't seen him in about three years. After saying our bye's my cousin and I went to Michigan Adventure and I must say, it was a blast. The first place we went was Shivering Timbers. It used to be, I do not know if it still is, but at the time of it's building it was the country's largest wooden roller coaster. After that, we made our way through the park, the lines weren't to awfully bad, and it was the perfect day to be outside. It was the first time in a long time I had seen my cousin truly happy. Our day did not end there. We left the park around six and headed up to a horse camp where some of my Mum's friends were staying. I got the privilege of doing what I would normally do while attending that same camp; starting the fire for the evening gathering.

Sitting around the fire was nice. I saw some people I had met the year before and some new faces. I did not contribute much the conversations, I was pretty tired. The adults were talking about proposal stories, how cheap gas used to be and what they would do as teenagers. I ended up talking to a lad that was across from me about books.

Saturday was an over all fantastically terrible day. I woke up late so I missed breakfast with my grandpa and the rest of the family. My grandma that we were staying with was rushed to urgent care first thing. Once we got back, it was time to get ready for the wedding we were attending while being home. We left the house with my aunt and uncle. The wedding was nice, I can't say I enjoy weddings, but this one was rather nice and very pretty. It was outside a church surrounded by pines with a little stage. The church had called it “Chapel in the Pines”. We went back to the house after that then headed to the VFW hall for the reception. I can't say I remember much of the reception sadly, what I do remember brings tears to my eyes. For the past three weeks I have been suffering from headaches that gradually shift into migraines. At the reception, I was borderline migraine. I had a small conversation with my grandpa then just kind of zoned out trying to blot out the noise. When he got up and left, I had not idea that it was the last time I was going to talk to him. We had all made plans to eat breakfast together Sunday morning. We left early from the reception to help my aunt do chores for her daughter. On our way out to the house we were going to, we got a phone call. It was my grandpa, he had collapsed. When we got to the location, he was on the ground with paramedics surrounding him. This was my last memory of him. I took for granted that I was going to see him Sunday, I didn't tell him “bye” I didn't say “I love you” after I talked to him last. In fact his last words to me were “I wish you would smile more” those words hurt, my response was to shrug it off. I did not sleep Saturday night, every time I closed my eyes I saw him laying there with the paramedics working on him.

Sunday I woke up a mess. We all did. Mum had a surprise graduation party planned for me and she still went through with it. She insisted that it was what he would have wanted. I didn’t want to say no, to be honest part of me thought it would at least be good for the family to be together. I could slap on a smile and act happy for a few hours. That is what I did, when everyone left I went to sleep. We left Monday morning early and got back around eight that evening. The car was filled with an awkward silence none of us really wanting to say anything.

I can't say this has been my particularly favourite vacation, if anything it had set me back more than it has helped. Seeing someone you love die and then thinking of all the things you should have said, things you should have done, it kills you. I can't say I'm really ready to talk about it yet, honestly I cried the whole time I typed this. The only thing different about dealing with this is that I am not alone this time. I have friends that I made in college that are here for me, just a phone call away. x

Depression a Series: Part 1: Understanding Depression

Since I have been home, the topic I come across being back seems to be depression. I go to church Sunday mornings and in my class we talk about depression. We talk about the affects and it is linked to teen suicide instantly. I choose not to say much about when the topic is brought up, I know very well what it is like for both of those. I hear people talk about it as I walk into the local bank, I have a few friends that have and had suffer from it. One has helped me through my depression and self harm more than what he has realized. As for my other friends, one in particular back here I am trying to help him overcome his. In order to do this, I needed to get a better understanding of this illness or condition. The only knowledge I had of this was my own personal account and the account from one other friend. My depression was not the same as his, my depression is not going to be the same as his depression, or your depression, or whoever's depression. I think one thing we could all agree on is that depression robs people of their energy, sleep, memory, concentration, vitality, joy, and the ability to love, in extreme cases....the will to even live.

Before fulling jumping into this, I decided to confront my Bible. I wanted to see what it had to say about depression. There is one story that comes to mind right off that deals with depression. The story of Elijah to be exact. Bible Passages about Elijah: 1 Kings 17-19; with Luke 4:25-26; James 5:17-18; 1 Kings 21:11-29; 2 Kings 1:1-2:18; with Romans 11:1-4; Matthew 17:1-3; Mark 9:2-4; Luke 9:28-31.

Understanding Depression:

Over the past few years, depression in the United States as increased. One in four people will be labeled as “depressed” at some point in their life. That is like...seventy million people. It is roughly ten times higher than it was two generations ago. Twenty-one percent of children ages nine to seventeen have a diagnosis of depression. In the past thirteen years, depression in college students has double and suicide rates in the same area have tripped. These statistics floored me. An evolutionist would say it was something in the gene pool that caused it to happen. Lets be honest for a moment, (I am not an evolutionist, I am a creationist) everybody knows that the gene pool does not and could not change that quickly. Pushing that thought away quickly, I had to think of what had changed so much that this could happen in such a short span. The first thing that comes to mind is (drum role) Life Style.

If you look at statistics of depression in the U.S. you will notice there is one group that has not been hit by what is called the “Modern Depression Epidemic.” That group is the Amish. They cling to eighth-century living. They have the lowest rate of depression.

In developing (third-world) countries, the rates of depression are a fraction of what they are in the U.S. However, depression rates have started to go up in countries where people are shifting to a more Americanized lifestyle than a traditional.

Did you catch that last part? Countries that shifted to a more Americanized lifestyle. Why would that be? This made me think for a bit. I often ask myself what makes this country so great? We are called “The Big Brother” because we take care of everyone else. I think we should mind our own business, unless someone asks for our help we stay out of it. I mean this politically. I do believe in overseas missions. This is a different subject for a different time. What I think it boils down to is we as American's are selfish and we allow ourselves to fall into self pity. God gave us life, but being selfish we want more. More out of life, more from life, when we do not get it....we get mad. We complain about how much our life sucks when really we have it pretty good. I am NOT saying this is the case for everyone, this might not even be true, it is just a thought do not get mad at me everyone has them, we just might not agree.

Depression is split into two different categories. Those categories are:

Endogenous Depression: This can be caused by a medical illness or a high impact of stress. This mainly creates a chemical imbalance in the brain effecting neurotransmitters in the brain. Essentially, high stress levels are messing with the serotonin, norepinphrine, or dopamine levels causing them to be depleted. By messing with the neurotransmitters, this type of depression is the one that causes suicidal thoughts, fatigue, and loss of interest.

Exogenous Depression: This is pretty self explanatory. Life in general is full of loss and change. This form of depression can impact anybody at any time. Any experience of loss can cause this type of depression. Exogenous depression is not as bad as Endogenous depression, but over time it may become Endogenous. Antidepressants usually do not work for this type of depression since it does not mess with the neurotransmitters.

These categories are then split further into Diagnostic categories. (I got these from Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disordres).

1. Major Depressive Disorder also know as unipolar. This is what is commonly known as “clinical depression.” Usually characterized by a persistent sad mood and inability to feel happiness.

2. Dysthymia Disorder is a milder form of smoldering depression. It lasts for a long time. It has the symptoms of major depression, only milder. It can go on for years meaning that it could start in the early teen years and possibly even childhood.

3. Double Depression. Combination of major depression and dysthmia. Can be both serious and chronic.

4.. Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood. This depression parallels the Exogenous depression. It implies the adjustment to loss or change is taking longer than the average time expected. This is the most common diagnosis for mild to moderate depression ass a result of a stressor or challenging life event.

5. Bipolar Depression or “manic depression” is very serious and is marked by episodes of depression with a high energy. One can suffer from explosive outbursts during this type of depression. It can be drug induced but is mainly genetically passed on. It comes in two types:

Type I: Involves severe /bizarre outbursts

Type II: Involves energetic but not bizarre outbursts.

The others include Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), Cyclothymic Disorder, and Substance-Induced Mood Disorder. I will attach links so you can read about these if you would like. The five listed above are the main ones I wanted to understand and look into. I hope this has been interesting or has maybe helped you understand what depression is, it has helped me some and I felt like sharing it. I hope that by understanding it, one day we can put and end to it. This is all I have for now, keep this in mind and be checking for Part II, it will be looking into some things that might cause depression.

If there is one thing I want you to know right now is that you are not alone in this. My favourite song is by Colton Dixon and it is called NeverGone. The message in this song is extremely powerful and means a lot to me personally. A few other things to keep in mind to is Jeremiah 29:11, “plans to prosper you, not harm you.” Also Hebrews 13:5, Deuteronomy 31:6, and Joshua 1:5, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” I have discovered that scripture is the best way to combat a lot of my thoughts when it comes to depression and feeling alone. There are a few things and a few verses I want you to know when dealing with depression.

1. God Never Loses Sight Of You

Deuteronomy 31: 8

Deuteronomy 32:10

Psalm 34:17

Psalm 40: 1-3

2.Your Trust And Hope Is In Him, Call On Him

Psalm 3:3

Psalm 32: 10

Psalm 37: 3-4

Psalm 42:11

1 Peter 5:6-7

3.He Has Great Plans For You

Jeremiah 29:11

John 16:33

1 Peter 4:12-13

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I hope you have a fantastic day or evening depending on your time zone or whatever your hour of reading be. x

Runner

 One thing I enjoy doing is running. I run a lot. Towards the beginning of this year, I was training to run a 50 miler with my youth minister just for giggles.....and to say “I ran 50 miles...once” chances are I would not do it again. So I'll give you a little history as to when I started running. One day...I was born...then I learned to run.

That is not entirely true, there were some other steps (get it) in between those two events. At a young age, I discovered that I could run. Not only could I run, but I could run fast and for a long time without getting tired. This came in handy at places like recess, I could GET AWAY from the kids bullying me. Get Away: this became a key term in developing my love of running. If I could run away from people to get away, why not do it when I am home. The more I thought about it, the more it stood out to me. Running became a time for me to get away from the house, get away from people, and just isolate myself in my thoughts. Normally this was a bad thing to do, isolation and thoughts those just lead to not decisions.

I started serious running my sixth grade year. For the first few years of my life, I blocked out all of the things that had happened to me. I basically made myself not remember them. The summer of my fifth grade year, my biological mother decided to step back into my life. Feeling ready enough to give her a chance to see if she had truly changed, I went to visit her for about a week. The first two days were fine, I thought maybe she had changed, that we could be a family again, that I did belong here and I did fit. The third night she and her current boy-friend had gotten into an argument. Things were thrown, they were yelling, I hid in my brothers room terrified. I do not remember quite sure what happened the days after that, I just know that I was ready to go back “home”.

It was shortly after that week that I started to remember things. I had flashbacks, episodes, a certain movement could trigger something and I would freeze. I did not want to talk to anybody about this, why would they believe me? They all said I was to young to remember anything, my response to that is pain makes you remember a lot of things that you wish you could forget. To avoid talking to anybody about this, I would just go for a run. Running took everything off my mind. I am a goal oriented person so when running my goal is to make it to point A to point B and back to A in this set time or better. For about two years it became a get away. My eighth grade year I started using it as me and God time. I would go for a run and pray, talk to God about the day.

Freshman year sucked as you have read in my other blog Honest Life.I decided to join cross country this year as well. I liked running, I was good at it, why not do it competitively? In practice I found myself running alone and again used this time to just think about the day, class work, deep questions I had “saved for a later time”. This became a daily thing for me. After school I would change into my running gear, stretch with the team, and take off on my run lost in thoughts. This lasted until my last race, it was a week after my suicide attempt. I had been training for the SCA's and our final race was on a track I knew very well, happened to be my favourite. I was coming down the final hill just before hitting the half mile mark, it was my usual speed up point. Having rained the day before, the path was a little washed out so I took it a little slower than normal to avoid causing any injury. It turned out that my cautiousness had gotten the best of me. I don't remember how, but I ended up close to a tree root that had been exposed due to the rain. Stepping to the side to avoid it, I ended up planting my foot in a hole and caught it on a root slamming my knee backwards, ultimately hyper-extending my knee. Being the intelligent person I am, I finished my race qualifying for State.

I did not run at State, I did not stay off my feet long enough to let my knee heal. My Sophomore year I made it halfway through the season before I blew it out again. After that, hung up my shoes and gave up on running. I turned to art and music. This year, I am excited because the college I am attending has cross country. Being passionate about running still, I have decided to give it a try one last time. I have been conditioning for the past four months, prepping myself for the season ahead. My goal is to run smart and not over do myself, I don't want to let something I love doing fall in the dust again. There have been to many times where I have quit doing something that I love, I am not going to let go of running. It is my get away, my God time, and my thinking time. If there is something your truly love doing, don't give up on it, don't let go of it, pursue it. Hebrews 12:1 “...run with endurance...” x